You guys. I’m a horrible mom. I’m trying my hardest to do it all, but I’m failing miserably. Today has been the worst one for a while with the whole mothering thing.
I have a full time job. No, working full time does not make me a bad mom. I am also a stay-at-home mom. Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t make me a bad mom. Here’s where it gets tricky. I am a work-from-home mom. But that doesn’t make me a bad mom either. I work full time from my home. This is a dream job for most moms. And, usually, it works out really well. I can supplement my husband’s income and still be able to be around for my kids and take them to their appointments and activities. It’s a win-win, right? Yes, most days. But today has not been one of those days.
This morning I got everyone up like normal and took two of the kids to school. After they were dropped off, I took my oldest daughter to the chiropractor. Through all of this, I was technically working. I was on the clock and had my cell phones with me to do what I needed to do if anyone needed anything. As soon as we got home, the kids all started asking for food. What’s new, right? They are kids. They are constantly hungry. Nothing unusual. I gave them each a granola bar and told them they weren’t getting anything more until lunch. That satisfied them for a little while. Then the whining began again.
Amidst much whining and arguing, we finally made it to lunch time. I had my oldest start getting some sandwiches ready for lunch. More arguing about what to have on said sandwiches.
All through this time, I’m trying to work. I’m on and off the phone making and answering calls. I was talking to different brokers and trying to get information on the loads I was interested in taking. After many times of chewing out the kids and snapping my fingers and getting after them for being too loud, I had had enough. I finished up my phone call and hung up the phone. This is the part that I most regret. I started yelling.
Yep. You read that right. I yelled. I couldn’t even hear myself think because of all the yelling and arguing they were doing, and what do I do? I basically joined in. I looked at the three kids I have home today and got after each of them individually. Once I was done chewing them out individually, I got after them as a whole. I finally ended with, “It’s getting to the point where I’m either going to have to put you guys in daycare or quit my job.”
As soon as I had said that, I looked at my oldest. She looked so sad. I asked her if she would rather be in daycare or have me quit. She didn’t even hesitate. She said she would rather I quit my job. Wow. Even after standing there and yelling at them for probably a full minute, she would rather I quit my job to be able to stay home with them. That felt like a punch in the gut…and in the heart.
My sweet baby girl has taught me so much throughout her life. She has no idea the lessons she has taught me. Honestly, I don’t know if I want to admit to her what some of those lessons are. They are definitely lessons that I should probably have learned long before having children. That’s pretty embarrassing and humbling to say.
So, here is what my plan of action is. I’m going to pray. HARD. And a lot. I need to get my brain and my heart back on track. There were a couple reasons that I took this job. One was because it was my brother who I would be working for. That always make things a little easier. In some ways. But, the main reason I took this particular job was because I could work from home and keep my littles with me. When I worked for the State of MN, I would cry every day on my way to the office. I hated leaving my kids with someone else. The thought of someone else practically raising my children killed me. I can’t handle that thought. God gave me these children to raise and train. He didn’t allow me to have them just so I could hand them off to someone else for the majority of each and every day.
Please, do not get me wrong. I have nothing against working outside the home. I have done it for many years. Some people need to work outside the home. Whether they work outside the home because of financial needs or sometimes to keep their mind and body healthy, that is completely between them and God. As for me, I know I need to be with my children. Whether that means I continue to work from home and have days where I may rip all my hair out, or whether that means I quit my job so that I can concentrate completely on raising my children and caring for our home. That is a question that I will need to pray about and come to terms with whatever answer God gives me.
As for right now, I had to smack myself on the back of the head and go apologize to my children. The two-year-old didn’t even care. The four-year-old gave me hug and said it was ok. My daughter just smiled and said she forgave me. That meant so much. She then proceeded to ask if she could organize a fundraiser so that I could quit my job and stay home with the kids. Cue the broken heart…again.
We have definitely been thrown some major obstacles these past couple of years, but God has been faithful through all of them. Life is not easy or pretty. Sometimes it’s downright unbearable. But God is always faithful. He will always bring us through the trials. As we embark on our newest round of big decisions to make, I need to remember to always as God first. I have a really bad habit of just thinking I know what God wants and not actually asking Him. I always end up asking God for help later. It never works the way I want it to work, and almost always ends up one huge disaster. I wish I could get it through my thick head sooner!!
So, what was my point through all of this?? No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes really BIG mistakes. But we can always ask for God’s (and sometimes this includes other people) forgiveness. God is always ready and willing to grant his forgiveness to the truly repentant heart. We all have days where we are either losing our temper or ripping our hair out. Either way, we can learn from the situation and keep praying. One important thing I have learned in life is that nothing bad can come from prayer. Do I need to repeat that? Nothing bad can come from prayer. The more we pray about something, the more peace we will have with the decision that God wants us to make. Even if the decision ends up with a result we don’t particularly care for, it won’t end badly. God is in control. He always has been and always will be.
So, if you have a situation that you don’t know what to do with or just a rough patch of a day (or years!) like I’m having, be sure to pray about it. God will show you what you need to do. As long as you are truly asking and willing to obey what He says, God will show you. You will know. So, if in doubt, PRAY!!! I hope this can be a little bit of encouragement for all you parents who are working, stay-at-home, or work-from-home parents. Life isn’t easy. Life can be ugly. Just remember you aren’t alone. If you think you are alone, come back and read this blog post again. I’m in the same boat as you are! If we aren’t currently in this situation, we will be soon or have already been through it. Don’t get down! Unless it’s down on your knees to talk to God!
Have a great week everyone!