Do you ever feel like you can’t win no matter what you do? Do you feel like you just can’t get ahead no matter how hard you try or how hard you work? You just can’t catch a break? I’m with you. These last few months have been terrible in some ways. Our family just keeps getting hit and run over. I know God will work everything out, but it’s so hard in the mean time! There are days where I just want to sit down and cry my eyes out. And today is one of those days.
I don’t really know what my deal is, but everything is affecting me today. I woke up in a great mood and was excited to start the day. I had some good motivation and plans for getting things done. And now all of that is gone. Life is hard, people. Life is so terribly hard.
After reading those first two paragraphs, you would probably think something horrific has happened. In reality, it’s not horrific at all. It’s just simply one frustration right after another. Some frustrations are larger than others, but they are all frustrations. Sometimes (eh! Who am I kidding? Most times!), being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be. More days than not, I wish I could go back to being a kid and living in my oblivious little world with all my dreams for the future to keep me company. Now, I’m an adult. Reality is a jerk.
There have been so many things in the last two years that have completely compounded on top of each other. There are way too many to mention, but the biggest one that has been affecting us is the fact that we don’t have our own home. For a year and a half, we were living with my in-laws. That was probably the worst thing ever. For the last few months, we have been renting a tiny two-bedroom house from my step-mom. While it’s been nice to have our own space again, it’s definitely not ideal. We have seven of us living in 800 square feet. But, at least we are on our own.
Why don’t you buy a house, you may ask?? Well, that gets overly complicated. We’ve been trying for two years to buy a house. We have been trying ever since we sold our last house two years ago.
Here is why we have not been able to buy a house. Do you remember that little church that Phillip was pastoring? Well, the people in that church were not the nicest. They decided that Phillip would be considered self-employed while he was the pastor there. Banks won’t allow anyone who is self-employed to get a mortgage unless they have two years of self-employment history on their taxes. That meant no house for us. Then guess what happened?! Yep, the church members decided to be completely rude and evil to our family, so Phillip needed to leave to keep our family safe. That means that Phillip no longer has the income from the church. Thankfully, Phillip could tell they were going to be trying to not pay him, so he got a second job. But, when he had to leave his pastoral position in January, that also meant that his pay was cut by more than half. Those things meant two things for our home quest. One, he didn’t have the income from the church anymore, so we no longer had a steady income and the one he does have is less than what it used to be. Two, he hasn’t been at his second job long enough to get a mortgage. It’s going to be a while yet before we will be able to get a house.
So, what exactly should I do? I’m about to my wit’s end on everything right now. I’m trying so hard to look at the positives in the situation. We have a roof over our head. We have heat for the horridly cold winter. We have food. We have vehicles to get us back and forth. We both have jobs. I’m able to work from home and stay with my children each day. Why am I such a whiner?? I shouldn’t be. Just based on that short list above, I have more things to be thankful for than a lot of people do. So, what do I need to do?
I think what I need to do is start making myself find the good in everything. I do usually try for that, but the last few days have been some of the toughest, mentally, that I’ve had in a long time. Depression is real, people. Anxiety is real. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and completely a steal a day from a person. I’ve been there. I’m still there sometimes. But God has carried me through my darkest days. He has always been right there with me.
There is hope in the darkness. It doesn’t have to last forever. I’m not saying there won’t be dark days, but they can be handled. We don’t have to handle them though. Give them to God. He will push out the darkness and let the light shine in, and through, you. He will take care of you.
My goal for today is to let God push the darkness out. I want him to take the situation and make it right. I know I can’t do it, so why not let the One who can do it? I do pray that our situation will pass soon, but I hope that our situation can be an encouragement to all of you in the meantime. Life isn’t perfect. It never will be until we get to Heaven. But, I hope our little inconveniences and frustrations will be used for God’s glory. I hope we are passing whatever test it is that God has us going through right now. I hope we are doing what he wants us to do even if I get down and frustrated some days. I pray that we will pass this test so that we can move on with life instead having to repeat this one forever.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store for us. I know, if we are faithful, our reward will be more than what we could possibly have dreamed of. And I can’t wait to find out! That is what I’m going to concentrate on today. That is what I need to learn for today. Everything else is just a frustration and something that God will take care of in His timing. I just need to trust and wait. As frustrating and annoying as that is, I just need to trust and wait. Is that really what I want to do? Not exactly, but I know that is what God has called me to do today. Just take it a day at a time. Today. That’s all I need to think about right now. Today.
Give it to God and just watch Him work. I pray all of you will have an amazing week!