Heartbreak

Today is one of those days. I’m going to be completely transparent. I am heartbroken. I thought things were finally starting to come together. It looked like life was finally looking up and *possibly heading the right direction. But, that didn’t happen. Once again, we are back at square one. I sometimes think we are never going to get off square one.

As you know, we have been working toward getting a piece of property to build a home and start our little homestead. We have been working so hard for this. We have been paying things off and working toward being as debt free as possible. This past January, my husband left his position as pastor of a church. He had been working there for two years. The banks wouldn’t allow us to use that income to qualify for a mortgage because the church refused to pay him as a W-2 employee and instead paid him as an independent contractor/self-employed person. Banks won’t recognize that income until it has been there for two years. So, that meant no land, no house, no homestead for that whole time. Then he needed to leave shortly after his two-year anniversary.

This past October, Phillip started a second job because the church was trying everything possible to not pay him his agreed upon salary. We needed to have a secondary income just in case they decided to get even more unethical than they already were being. He is still currently employed at this second job, which is now his only job.

A little over a month ago, a job was posted for our local county office. It was a great position that Phillip qualified well for. He put in his resume and waited to see if he would get an interview. Nearly a month after submitting the resume, he finally got a phone call inviting him for an interview. We had pretty much given up hope on ever hearing anything back about it. It was such a relief that he was invited for an interview.

It seemed as though things were starting to look up. Phillip worked tirelessly to prepare for the interview. He studied the position description, studied the different programs that this position was to oversee, and even learned about the people that would be interviewing him. He even created a portfolio of all his work and accomplishments. He was polished and ready for the interview. Interview day came and went without a hitch. He didn’t know if it went well or not, but he was happy with how he answered the questions and how things proceeded. He was told he would know, one way or the other, within two weeks.

Yesterday Phillip got the call. As soon as he heard who it was, he said he started to get excited and nervous. With the county, they usually only call if you get the position and not if you don’t get the position. There is usually just an email to let you know that you were not chosen and then nothing after that. This time, the call was not to let him know that he got the position. The call was to let him know that he was not chosen.

The whole family was down in the dumps last night. Phil was actually the most upbeat of all of us. I was in tears. I saw every last chance of a home and farm slipping away. That position would have made it very feasible for us to purchase land and to build our home. I was hoping this summer would be our big breakthrough. I was hoping to have an actual home for our children. We owned and lived in our last home, but it wasn’t what we wanted. We always knew we wanted to be in the country so the kids can be kids. Not stuck playing on a sidewalk with the whole world watching. I’m not going to lie. People make me nervous, so the fewer of them that are around, the better.

We are still currently in the process of seeing what we would qualify for with the income that we have, but I’m not exactly holding my breath that it will be much, if anything. Life is going to get even harder before it gets any better. I really hope it starts to get better soon. I am starting to crumble, and it’s not a good thing. I know God has a plan in all of this, but I’m having an overwhelmingly hard time seeing said plan. I know it’s not my place to see the plan, but it would be nice to have a little insight. I guess this is where the trust must come into play. I’m trying so very hard to trust during the situation. But it’s hard. I get it.

I know God’s timing is the best timing. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to keep trusting God to know what is best. Maybe now is not the best time for our family. Maybe now is not when we would be most profitable with the situation. I don’t know. But it’s not any less heartbreaking. God knows my heart is broken. He knows my desires and needs. He also knows the difference between my desires and needs. Maybe we only need 800 square feet. Maybe we don’t need land and a homestead. Maybe all I need is a tiny house on a tiny lot on the main street in our town. I don’t know. I do know that God knows what he is doing and it’s not my place to second guess Him, but it’s hard! I’m human. I’m not perfect. Very far from it, in fact. And I’m heartbroken.

Ever since I got the call from Phil that he didn’t get the position, I have been praying and asking God to provide a miracle for us. I have no idea how or when that miracle could possibly come to fruition, but I know my God is bigger than anything I can imagine. And I know He has the capability to do whatever he wants to do. My only job right now is to rely on Him and to trust Him. I pray that God gives me the strength to do both of those things. I can only do that through Him. He has to give me the strength and ability. I know He can do that. Now it’s my turn to let Him.

My prayer for this week is that God will provide me with an escape for the heartbreak. I know it is possible. I just need my heart to remember it this week.

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