All the Firsts

Today holds a few firsts. Today is the first day of school for my daughter. Today is her first day of second grade. Today is the first day that she went to school on her own. Today is the first day that I only dropped one child off at school instead of multiple children. Today is the first day that my second daughter will not be dropped off at school (she is homeschooling this year). Today is the first day that I have to go to work in the office. Today is the first day that I have cried because of the reality of all these things. Today is the first day that Josiah will be my office buddy. Today is the first day of trying to juggle all these things on my own. Today is the first rough day of this process. Today is the first day of many.

You would think that by the time my third child is in second grade, I would be used to the whole first day of school drop off thing. You’d think I could keep my emotions in check a little better. You’d think my daughter would be comfortable with school. You’d think that she would be excited to be going to school and seeing her friends again.

And some of those things did happen today. I kept my emotions in check…until I got to the car. Then, like any good, self-respecting mother, I lost it. I cried. I cried mostly because I could tell Abigail was nervous. She looked a little scared and lost when I dropped her off. She looked like she was about to cry when I left. I gave her a hug and told her I would be there right after school. I told her that I loved her. It didn’t seem to matter or help. She still looked like she was on the verge of tears. I kept mine back until no one was around to see them fall.

I also thought that Abby would be a little more excited to go to school today. She absolutely loves her new teacher. Both of my other girls have had her, and they both loved her. Abby knows her and knows how much fun she is to have as a teacher. I’m hoping it was just the “first day” jitters, but it definitely hurts my heart to see her like that. This is the first year that it is just her at the school too, so maybe that has something to do with it. Either way, this momma had trouble this morning.

As soon as I dropped Abigail off at school, Josiah and I headed to the office. Now, I know this is going to sound pathetic. I do. But, I really dread going to the office. Not because it’s all that hard or anything like that. I just don’t want to leave all my other kids. I can take Josiah since he’s so little yet, but the other kids have to stay with a sitter. Now here’s the pathetic part. I only have to go to the office one or two days a week. It’s practically nothing compared to what other moms have to do. But it’s killing me! I just want to be home with my littles. If I could quit my job, I would do it in a heartbeat. The thought of that makes me so happy! All I have ever wanted in life is to be a stay-at-home mom living on a farm and caring for my family. Lord willing, that will happen someday, but today is not that day, unfortunately. I know I’m being a whiner right now. It’s just truly how I feel.

It’s also hard to be working in the office when I have two kids at home this year that are being homeschooled, and I will be working on some preschool things with Paul, our four-year-old. He is loving the idea of learning and “doing school” at home with mom this year. I was surprised at first when he said he liked that idea. He isn’t much of a “sit still and learn” person, but I’ll take it! Here’s hoping that having to work in the office instead of at home won’t have a negative impact on the schooling for these three. I desperately want them to enjoy school and the learning process.

While today was somewhat of a rocky start, I don’t think it will be like this all school year. I know there will be days like this one and some days that are even worse than this one, but I do hope and pray that things get smoother as we go. Right now, I’m on my own with all this. My husband is working some crazy hours due to some unforeseen things at his work, so that leaves me to juggle everyone and everything. Again, I’m probably sounding pathetic. There are moms out there who have many more things on their plate than I do, and they handle it brilliantly. And I’m so glad they have that ability! But I, for some reason, feel like a complete and utter failure lately. I feel like my life is a balancing act and one misplaced sigh will topple the whole thing. Lord, give me grace through this mess!

So, as the rain is streaking down my office window, it seems like it is mimicking my tears as they slide down my cheeks. It seems only fitting that today should be a dark and dreary one as I work through all these emotions. God knows my situation. God knows our family desperately needs something to work out. God knows our needs and our thoughts. God knows that I miss my little humans and desperately want to just stay home with them. God knows every single tiny thing about us. God knows we need Him and His grace. I need to learn to accept God’s grace more often instead of trying to handle it all on my own. I don’t need to handle it all on my own. I don’t need to handle any of it. God doesn’t need our “help.” God has it handled well before we even know there is an issue. There is a verse in the Bible about how God counts each tear we shed. If He can count my tears, why can’t I just learn to rely on Him??

I know these are normal feelings that I’m working through today. I know God can handle any feeling I have and turn it the proper direction. I need to work on trusting Him more and relying on Him. I hope this can be an encouragement to some of you who are probably going through the same thing at this time of year. It’s not easy. But I was once told that, anything worth having is worth the work. It’s worth the effort. It’s worth the time. It’s worth the heartache. It’s worth the tears.

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