*Disclaimer: I wrote this post a week ago. It has taken me this long to come to terms with putting it out there for the world to see. I hope this can encourage someone else going through something they would rather not go through!
It always amazes me how things can change so quickly. These last few weeks have been a roller coaster, to say the least. We have gone from the highest mountain top to the lowest valley in the blink of an eye. My banner phrase for the last week has been “You might as well laugh ‘til you cry, because you’re going to end up crying anyway. At least have fun getting there.” I have been living out that mantra until today. Today, I just cried.
In my last post, I told you all that we had, so far, been able to avoid the layoffs and job losses that most of America has been dealt. I had also told you that my husband and I were both in jobs that had been deemed essential right from the start. That is true. Our jobs are essential services. The problem was that my husband had just started his job. We were so thankful for that job! We are still thankful for that job. It provided us with the means to take care of things for quite a bit longer than most people have been able to do. But, that job is no longer there. With all the virus stuff, those positions had a major slow to the volume that they dealt with. It was to the point that they had nothing to train my husband on. There were not nearly enough calls to teach him how to do the job. The supervisors decided to lay him off indefinitely. He will not have a job to go back to once this is all over. I don’t remember ever being this scared before. Not this type of scared. This is different all together.
Get this though. Here is where the roller coaster comes in. We were so excited when Phillip got this job. He had been working really hard and had passed all the tests and things to even get the interview. We waited for what seemed like forever for the wonderful phone call telling us that he got the job. We finally got that call! He started working there a couple weeks later. Two weeks after he started, authorities shut down the state of MN. All the kids were pulled from school and began learning at home. We had the top of the mountain with the new job, then BAM we hit bottom with the virus and corresponding lockdown.
Then, about four weeks later, I got the email I had been waiting years to get. I received the email telling us that we had been approved for the loan to get us started with our homestead!! It was finally going to happen!! I wasn’t even on the tallest mountain top with this one. I was on Cloud 9! Then, not ten minutes later, Phillip calls me to let me know he was being laid off. That wasn’t even a nice steep track to the bottom. That was the bottom completely falling out and plunging us into the deepest hole possible. I honestly don’t think roller coaster ride is a good enough analogy for these last few weeks. I’m sure so many of you can relate.
I cried that day too. That was a week ago. But, here’s the thing about me. I’m a hopeless optimist. I am. I’m not even really sure how that’s possible, but I am. No, that doesn’t mean I don’t get down and depressed and discouraged. I do. I get that way all the time. But I don’t stay there. I always end up trying to find a way to fix it. Whatever “it” is. So, after I had my good cry when he told me that he was being laid off, I moved on with life and tried to figure out a way to make something work. How in the world I could make it work, I had no idea, but I knew I had to try. So, try I did.
I began by emailing a different banker. It was a guy that someone had recommended to me. I looked at their bank website and saw a couple things that might help us do what we need to do. Mind you, we have to be out of our current house in one month. This house is sold and they are closing at the end of May. We are completely out of options. There is nothing else we can do. I spoke to the banker today on the phone. He called me to get a little more information than what I put on the loan application. Easy enough. He was very kind and helpful. He is still checking into a couple things, but basically told me that we wouldn’t qualify for anything with just my income because we have so many children. He is checking to see if we could use Phillip’s unemployment income since right now is such a weird time and we are needing to move right away. I’m waiting to hear back on that, but I hit the bottom again today. I so badly wanted to just start crying on the phone when he told me it wouldn’t work with just my income. I didn’t. I held it together for a little longer, but it was hard.
You guys, I don’t know what else to do. I am trying my best to hold onto my little bit of hope. My kids and husband need me to hold onto it, but it’s hard. It’s so hard. Life is hard. I knew it was hard before. Believe me, I’ve been through some things that no one wants to deal with ever. But this roller coaster has flown off the tracks. We are stuck. This feels like a complete train wreck. We have a house full of children with nowhere to go. One month can seem like such a long time, but in this situation, it doesn’t seem nearly long enough. I feel helpless and hopeless.
But, in all of this, I know God will prove Himself faithful. He has always taken care of us in the past, and He will continue to take care of us now. My job is to trust Him and to wait on Him. If I’m honest with myself, I know I have absolutely no reason to worry or fret. God already has a plan. He already has the perfect place lined up for us. I just need to be patient and watch Him take care of it. I apparently have a really hard head as well, because it is taking the measure of God taking all our options away for me to realize I can’t do this on my own. He knows my dreams. He knows my desires. I need to stop trying to do it on my own. I need to let Him take care of it. I’m always getting in my own way and definitely getting in God’s way. I really need to learn to enjoy the sidelines instead of playing point. Why can’t I learn this stuff sooner?! I’m such an idiot!
So what am I doing about it now? Absolutely nothing. I’m waiting. I’m waiting for the banker to call me back. I’m waiting for God to show us what to do. I’m waiting for God to show us the next step. I’m waiting. And I’m packing. I’m packing because I know God will be providing what we need at just the right time, and it’s my job to be ready. I will pack this house up and be ready to move in a month. We may be moving into a tent, but we will be ready! My kids have always loved camping!
The best part of all of this is knowing that, no matter how stupid I am, God still loves me. He still cares for me and about me. He holds my hand each and every day. When (not if) there is a day that I can’t muster the strength to walk, God carries me. Carefully, skillfully, gently. I am His child. I am one of His own. I have absolutely no reason to fear.